


We Shouldn't Do This (But I Want It So Bad)

by Silverstream16



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex is a Junior, F/F, Homophobic world, Kara is a Freshman, Lena is Maggie's roomate, Maggie teaches Chemistry, Sanvers - Freeform, She's fresh out of college, Still illegal, Supercorp Friendship, Teacher-Student Relationship, Very Illegal, hella gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-24 11:36:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9722561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverstream16/pseuds/Silverstream16
Summary: Alex is a Junior at National City High School, she was one of the smartest kids in the entire school. She had barely any friends, but she didn't care, she was in it for the grades. It wasn't until meeting her AP Chemistry teacher, that Alex realized there was more to life than smarts.Maggie Sawyer is gay in a world where being gay is wrong. She hides herself behind her love for chemistry and moves to National City to start her first teaching job. At the age of 23, she never expected her job to be easy, but she never thought that she would be the one to awaken a repressed 16 year old and show her the beauty of love.*Alex is 16 nearly 17 and this is a Teacher/Student story. In my state 16 is the age of consent, and even though it is still illegal. If you do not agree with this type of story do not read.*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Student/Teacher relationship. Do Not read if you do not like the content.

Alex Danvers was not a popular person, to be perfectly honest, everyone hated her. Not that she minded really, most of the people in her school were too ill-mannered and brainless to care about. Of course, the rest of the school could say quite the opposite about her. They could say that she was an arrogant know it all that really just annoyed the hell out of everyone. Alex didn’t mind much, she was subjected to rude treatment on a daily, but she was too engulfed in her studies to care about anything else. She already had all she needed.

  
She had her family, her mom and dad who were brilliant scientists that she admired so much she wanted to follow in their footsteps. Then there was her sister Kara, well adoptive sister really. The family had took in Kara when she was merely five years old, only one year younger than Alex had been. Alex had held immense disdain for her sister when she first arrived at the family’s doorstep. It was quite the nontraditional meeting she always thought, one second she was doing math equations and the next she came face to face with a little blonde girl who came floating through her bedroom door. Yes, floating through her bedroom door. Alex had known about the existence of aliens ever since she was born, her parents had of course worked around them everyday. But Alex was still only six years old, and she wasn’t prepared for the “Hey we’ve taken in an alien child and she’s your new sister so you’ll have to teach her how to be a human” conversation her parents had thrown at her. Regardless, Kara had grown on Alex within a number of days. The vibrant and bubbly blue-eyed blonde did not take long to come out of her shy shell. Alex spent hours talking with the girl who had a constant need to talk about her home as a way of coping with the loss. Alex would ask her question after question, always fascinated with the Kryptonian culture. Alex had grown to love this girl who babbled on and on like a gushing waterfall.

  
She’d never forget the first time Kara had taken her flying, it was on Kara’s thirteenth birthday, Alex had turned fourteen a few months prior. After their parents had gone to bed for the night, Kara had asked Alex to go flying with her, to which Alex protested, not in any mood to be yelled at by her parents for being so irresponsible. With much persuasion from Kara, Alex had finally agreed. They had exited the house from the window in their shared bedroom, Kara had helped Alex climb onto the roof and then lifted herself off of her feet, reaching her hand out to her sister. Alex had nervously grabbed onto Kara, who had pulled her into her arms with incredibly strength that still managed to shock Alex. “Should we really be doing this Kara?” Alex’s voice wavered with nerves, afraid of being caught. Kara had laughed and insisted that this would be the most amazing thing Alex had ever experienced. Alex sighed and wrapped her arms around Kara’s waist tightly, placing her feet on the younger girl’s feet. Kara had asked if she was ready, and with an intense boost of confidence Alex had nodded her head. She felt ready to take on the entire world, but the minute they lifted higher into the air Alex had clamped her eyes shut, afraid of opening them in fear that she’d be falling. Kara had counted down Alex remembered, she had been afraid to breathe, but Kara had laughed joyously and launched farther upwards. Alex had remembered feeling the surge of wind through her hair, it was euphoric feeling, although she still remained unable to open her eyes. It wasn’t until Kara had twisted Alex in her arms so that she was holding her waist as Alex was faced downwards towards the ground that her eyes snapped open. The view had been breathtaking. Kara had flown them over the bright lights of National City, the wind zipping through her hair, leaving tear streaks on her cheeks. They had flown around for nearly a half and hour, leaving both girls feeling a rush of adrenaline once they had landed back on the roof of their house. To this day Alex had never experienced a feeling greater than that night. She was convinced she wouldn’t ever find someone or something that could make her feel such a way again. She would find out later on in life that fate clearly had other plans for Alex.

  
Alex had walked into National City high school for her first day as a Junior, the ever curious Kara right behind her attempting to hide her nerves. Alex felt pity for her younger sister, remembering how nervous she was to be a freshman in such a horrid place. The people of National City were not kind, they were considerably rude, and not just to Alex, to everyone who didn’t fit the popular jock stereotype. Anyone who wasn’t white was considered an outcast, anyone who didn’t play sports was an outcast, anyone who did anything that jocks wouldn’t do was considered an outcast. Not surprisingly, National City High had the best of the best sports teams in their area. Every student had it pretty bad if they weren’t a jock, but there was one group who had it the worst, anyone who was thought to be gay was bullied relentlessly. Alex shuddered every time she thought about being subjected to such treatment as these poor souls were. National City was not an accepting place for anyone who was gay, which bewildered her as the city idolized aliens for godsakes. Luckily for Alex, she had fit into none of those categories, she had fit into the smart category, a select group of people who were still picked on daily and were still disliked remarkably, but not bullied like everyone else was.  
Alex sighed and helped the nervous girl behind her find her first class and give her a general consensus of where her other classes were. She hugged Kara goodbye and assured her she would be okay before heading off to her first class of the day, which she took with the seniors because Alex Danvers did not just have an average junior student brain, she was a genius and she wouldn’t let anyone forget that. Walking into her AP astronomy class, Alex had noticed that one of her two (what she considered to be friends) was sitting in the back row. Scrambling to reach the back of the class, Alex dove into the seat beside her friend Lucy Lane. Lucy had looked over with a smile on her face. “Hey there stranger, haven’t heard from you in a long time.” Lucy had tried to sound as happy as she could, but Alex could tell she was upset that Alex had not talked to her since school had let out for the summer. Alex’s smile faltered and she sighed.  
“I’m sorry Luce, I know I’ve been distant, I’ve just had a busy summer.” Lucy smiled at the younger girl, understanding that Alex was a busy person. Lucy gave Alex a quick hug and smiled at her brightly.  
“Well you better get together with me so we can catch up.” She gave Alex a playful glare. Alex laughed at the Junior and nodded her head in reassurance that they would get a chance to catch up. Alex was just grateful that she could call Lucy her friend as Alex was most certainly not the type of person that Lucy freaking Lane would be friends with. Lucy Lane was a very popular junior, captain of the soccer team AND the track team. She was dating James Olsen, the most popular senior in the whole school. So Alex was utterly baffled as to why someone like Lucy would want to hang out with a nobody like Alex. Yet, Alex still didn’t question it considering Lucy was basically her only friend and she didn't want to say anything to lose her. Alex just smiled at Lucy before turning her attention to the teacher who started her introducing herself to the new class and explaining the curriculum. Alex had sighed bracing herself for the rough course that this class would become.

  
The day had been long and tiring, and Alex was ready to return home, but after exiting the hell that would be her AP Calc with the ever infamous Lena Luthor, she had felt relieved to only have one class left. As Alex walked into her AP Chemistry class, she took a seat next to a timid looking boy who she presumed to be a freshman. She felt pity for the boy who looked like he was about to jump out of his skin, so she introduced herself to him. “Hi, I’m Alex Danvers.” She stuck her hand out to which his eyes widened as he cautiously took her hand in his sweaty palm and shook it lightly.  
“Winn, Winn Schott.” He replied quietly. Alex smiled at him and made small talk before class started in hopes of making the boy feel better. The bell had rung and everyone had taken their seats but it wasn’t until two minutes after class started that the teacher had run into the room out of breath. Alex stared at her in wonder, she was quite short, shorter than Alex herself. She had wavy black hair that barely reached past her collarbones. She had darker skin, seemingly of Latina descent if Alex had to guess. The woman’s chocolate eyes sparkled as she let out a shaky breath, clearly not used to being on the other side of the school setting. If Alex had to guess she would say the woman was younger than 24, but she had no clue. The woman was gorgeous, and Alex had to stop her jaw from dropping when the woman turned and smiled a piercing white smile at the class, her eyes crinkling and dimples popping out of nowhere.  
“Sorry for running late guys, I promise I’ll be earlier; anyways, I’m Miss Sawyer and welcome to AP Chemistry.”


	2. Chapter 2

Alex isn’t quite sure how she’s supposed to make it through an entire year of AP Chemistry with Miss Sawyer as her teacher. She couldn’t stop admiring the woman and she isn’t sure why. Alex sighs and gets out of her chair, prepared to leave and get home to do her homework which she’s already swamped with. She’s halfway out the door when a voice calls her back. “Miss Danvers can I talk to you for a minute?” Alex freezes and spins on her heels to face the short Latina that had managed to pique her interest. She nodded silently and retreated back towards Miss Sawyer’s desk. Maggie smiled once more, her dimples more prominent than ever. Alex could feel the heat rising to her cheeks and she was mortified, she had no idea what was happening to her. Maggie laughed slightly and stuck out her hand to shake Alex’s. Alex’s eyes widened and she quickly put her own hand in the other woman’s hand and shook it firmly. Maggie retracted her hand and sat at her desk, clearing her throat. “Well Miss Danvers, I must say that I’ve been looking over your past work and it is incredibly impressive, you’re very intelligent for your age.” Alex’s heart swelled with joy at receiving a compliment for how hard she works.

“Thank you Miss Sawyer, that means a lot, I work very hard to be where I am.” Alex responded politely. Maggie looked up at her thoughtfully. She laughed slightly, her eyes gleaming. “I just wanted to make sure I acknowledged your previous work; I won’t keep you any longer. Have a nice day Alex.” Alex felt almost sad realizing that it was her cue to leave the room. She nodded slightly and turned on her heels to exit the room before Maggie spoke up again.

“Oh and Miss Danvers,” Alex turned her head back to the older woman, “try not to outshine the other students with your smarts alright?” Maggie asked her, her head tilting to the side slightly as she winked at the glowing junior. Alex nodded her head and laughed before uttering a quiet goodbye and quickly making her way to the bus. She found Kara in the back bouncing up and down in her seat like a small child who was given more sugar than they could handle. Plopping down next to the younger girl, Alex realized she was in for a long conversation with Kara. The eager girl went on and on about how she made a bunch of new friends and how she was so excited for all her classes and Alex couldn’t help but roll her eyes. To be perfectly honest, she was barely listening to Kara at all, her mind had wandered back to her chemistry teacher. Alex sighed contently, knowing this was going to be a long year, but she didn’t care anymore now that Miss Sawyer was her teacher. Once home, the two girls retreated to their shared room to start their homework. Kara was quite intelligent for her age, especially considering she had not grown up on this planet and had arrived here not too many years ago. Kara continued to talk excitedly about the new friends she had made, including that Winn boy in Alex’s chemistry class. Kara gushed on and on about how Lena Luthor, their mutual math teacher, would be the best teacher she’s ever had. Alex rolled her eyes dramatically at Kara and threw a pillow towards her to get the girl to stop talking. Attempting to finish the rest of her homework, Alex could not take her mind off of her last period teacher. As for the rest of the night, it fared the same, the small Latina constantly on Alex’s overwhelmed mind.

~~~~~~~~~

Arriving at school the next morning, Alex said her goodbye to Kara and went off to first period for the start of her uneventful day. It wasn’t until math class that things started heating up. Miss Luthor was constantly getting hit on by the obnoxious junior boys the entire class to which she lost her patience and effectively shut them all down while reminding them of their place. Alex knew better than to go against Miss Luthor, and she was disgusted by the boy’s comments, but she felt slightly ashamed for thinking Miss Luthor was incredibly attractive. The woman was a powerful authority figure, what was so wrong with finding her attractive? Alex knew that there was everything wrong with a woman loving another woman, but Alex didn’t love Miss Luthor, she just thought she was attractive, so she shouldn’t worry about being… one of them. It’s not that Alex hated gay people, it’s just that the rest of the world did, and if they knew she didn’t hate them as well, she’d be hated just as much. Alex wasn’t even gay, at least she didn’t think she was. No, she shook her head laughing lightly, she was definitely not gay. She had been having these kinds of battles in her head for the last few weeks, and they definitely hadn’t been getting any better, but she didn’t dare say a thing to anyone, especially her very traditional and very homophobic parents. Alex’s parents had been perfectly fine with the concept of aliens existing and being apart of their lives, but the idea that someone could love one of the same gender appalled them for reasons Alex could never understand. Alex would never understand why her parents felt that way, or why the rest of the world felt that way.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts before gathering her books and heading off to chemistry. Her heart started beating faster in her chest as she neared closer to the chemistry lab. She entered the room and was not surprised to find that she was one of the first people there. She took her seat at her designated lab table and waited as the rest of the class slowly filtered in. Maggie walked in clearly frazzled, Alex could tell that this teaching thing was clearly far out of Maggie’s element. But nevertheless, Maggie started the class with immense enthusiasm and confidence which drove Alex crazy. Alex had no idea what it was about the woman that drew her in, but with each passing second the thoughts started coming back. Alex found it incredibly difficult to focus with her thoughts constantly running wild about how she shouldn’t be feeling this way. She worriedly brushed it off and attempted to listen to the lesson about polyatomic ions that Maggie was so overly enthusiastic about.

When the final bell rang, Alex once again found herself staying behind at Maggie’s request. The older woman smiled warmly at Alex and beckoned her over to her desk. Shuffling over nervously, Alex cursed herself for being so embarrassing. If Maggie noticed that Alex was nervous, she didn’t show it. “Before you leave Miss Danvers, I just wanted to see if you’d like to join the chemistry club, I know it’s early in the school year but it would be such a huge honor to have you in the club since you’re so smart.” Maggie nervously rambled on to which Alex laughed slightly.

“I’d love to join the chemistry club, I’ve always had a passion for chemistry and both of my parents are scientists and i aspire to major in biochemistry.” Alex smiled brightly at the smaller woman. Maggie let out a sigh of relief and gave Alex a full dimpled smile, her eyes gleaming. Alex’s heart started racing faster at the sight, the woman in front of her was so captivatingly beautiful. Maggie boldly reached her arm out to touch Alex’s forearm as a sign of gratitude. The feeling of her teacher’s touch on her arm made Alex’s heart go wild. Alex was so embarrassed that the slightest touch of fingertips to her arm could make her feel so insane. Maggie laughed a little and retracted her arm hesitantly and then bid Alex a farewell before the taller girl left the lab. Alex had to concentrate hard on her breathing so she could calm down. She raced to the end of the hallway before stopping to place her hand over her head. She knew she wasn’t gay, there was no way she was. Maggie was just someone she looked up to a lot, there was no way that she had a crush on another woman, let alone her teacher. Alex managed to calm down enough to get to the bus on time, but with each passing thought she was becoming less and less confident in herself. Alex pressed her forehead up against the cool glass window on the bus, sighing silently. She had a sinking feeling that she was doomed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex can't get her teacher off of her mind, and the sudden appearance of the woman only makes Alex angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't want this story to be moving so quickly but I don't know how to stop the progression without it being a boring filler sort of like this chapter oops.

Two weeks had gone by since the first day of school and Alex had been steadily declining everyday after meeting Maggie Sawyer. She became more fidgety, afraid to look at every twist and turn because if she ran into her teacher, she knew that she’d freak out and she wouldn’t be able to control her heart rate. Alex had no idea what had come over her but she felt horrified that this woman was making her feel this way. She started doubting the voices that told her she was straight more and more, but so long as she could avoid her teacher outside of the classroom she would be alright.

  
It was currently her AP Calc period and she was sitting in the back listening to Ms. Luthor drone on and on about something she already knew. Turning her head to scope out the rest of the class, she noticed they were all feverishly taking notes on the subject that made no sense to any of them. Alex almost felt bad for all of them, almost. Tapping her pencil on the side of her desk lightly, she looked farther around the room to inspect the clock. Only 20 minutes left until her chemistry class where she would inevitably be met by the one teacher she didn’t want to see. Her mind was filled with the daunting thoughts of the young teacher, making Alex increasingly angry as she just wished the thoughts would disappear. She wanted to hate Maggie, she wanted to hate every part about her so that she could just disappear from Alex’s mind. But as much as she tried she couldn’t bring herself to hate the woman. She had met her a week ago, talked to her privately only a handful of times, and knew virtually nothing about her. All of that didn’t add up to the amount of time the woman was on Alex’s mind, and it frustrated her to absolutely no end. Instead of being excited for her favorite subject, everyday she dreaded having to walk in there. She could very well go the whole year obsessing over Maggie and not paying attention and still pass with flying colors, that wasn’t her problem. Her problem was the confusion, the anger, the unbelievable amount of frustration she was feeling, that was her real problem.

  
As if whatever God was out there didn’t already hate her enough, Ms. Sawyer came crashing through the door of her classroom, much to the surprise of the students and Ms. Luthor. The pale woman turned her attention towards the door, her green eyes widening in surprise at being interrupted during a lesson. Alex noticed the surprise quickly leave her eyes as she realized who had walked into the room, well she would have noticed had she not been staring at the latina since the door was swung open. She bit her tongue in half frustration and half anger, of course the one person she didn’t even want to see shows up when she doesn’t have to. God this woman was so infuriating and she needed to just leave and never come back. Alex just wished this woman had never came to National City in the first place. She was brought out of her anger by the feeling of the pencil snapping in her hand. Her eyes widened, upset that she had gotten so mad by the thought of her teacher. She looked up once more when she heard Lena speak up. “Can I help you Ms. Sawyer?” She asked in a seemingly amused and light tone, which seemed out of place for the usually stone cold woman. Maggie was still gripping the door handle, breathing a little heavily as if she just ran all the way from the other side of the building. She took a small breath and formally stepped into the room so the entire class could see who she was.

  
“Sorry to interrupt Ms. Luthor, I just need to steal Alex Danvers from you for the rest of the period.” Maggie still seemed slightly out of breath as she tried to sound polite and professional. All eyes turned to Alex and her eyes shot up from her broken pencil to Maggie who was oddly enough the only one not looking at her. Her cheeks reddened slightly at the sudden attention that had been drawn to her by the woman she so desperately wished would just leave. Ms. Luthor trailed her green gaze from Alex to Maggie and cleared her throat a bit before giving Alex the permission to leave. She packed her things and picked up her bag, confused as to what Ms. Sawyer needed to see her for. She walked towards the door quite uncomfortably as all eyes were still trained on her and the extra attention made her sweat. As she made it to the door Maggie stepped aside and held the door open for her like the gentlewoman she was, much to Alex’s annoyance. She gripped the only strap of her backpack that she had slung over her shoulder a little tighter and proceeded into the hallway considerably more irritated than before. She heard Maggie shut the door and walk up beside her, motioning for Alex to walk with her. “Let’s head up to the classroom so we can get their early.” Alex said nothing and just followed Maggie, enamored by the woman. Maggie seemed to notice Alex’s silence and gave the girl a confused glance. “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?” Maggie attempted to break the silence and her infuriating dimples popped out as she smiled. Alex couldn’t help but feel even more pissed off by the physically flawless woman.

  
“No I just.. What did you need me for?” She tried not to sound blunt or rude, but she didn’t do that great of a job. Maggie’s smile faltered and she looked away from the girl back to the path in front of her.

  
“Well I just wanted a little help setting up today’s lab and I know you’re a genius and that you could do it.” It was almost convincing, Alex could tell the woman was lying but she silently gave the woman props for almost being convincing enough. However, that didn’t diffuse her inexplicable anger towards the short woman.

  
“Really? That’s why you took me out of the hardest class I have?” Alex couldn’t contain the bite of annoyance in her voice this time, nor did she even try. She stopped in her tracks to add to the effect of her irritability. Maggie stopped as well, embarrassed by the younger girls reaction to what she said. Admittedly she just wanted a chance to speak to Alex alone again and spent the better half of an hour coming up with a good enough excuse, but clearly the excuse hadn’t been as good as she thought.

  
“Well no I… I’m planning on starting the Chem club up tomorrow and I want you to be one of the leaders. I’ve observed you the past week and I think that you have amazing potential, even though I already knew that before even meeting you. I think it would really benefit not only the club but you as well. I know it could have waited but I felt the need to tell you as soon as possible so you have more time to think about it.” Okay so that hadn’t been Maggie’s backup plan. She hadn’t even had a backup plan but she panicked and made up something on a whim instead. She wasn’t lying, Alex DID have an amazing amount of potential, and she meant what she said about the girl, but she really didn’t need a leader for the club as it was supposed to be entirely collaborative and she would be in charge of it. I guess it wouldn’t be too bad if she got to spend more time with the young woman though. She hadn’t even realized that she absentmindedly reached out to touch Alex’s forearm, but even though she knew she shouldn’t, she didn’t move her hand. Alex, on the other hand, was horrified. This was the opposite of what she wanted and needed. Spending more time with Maggie? No fucking thank you that would be a death sentence. While she wouldn’t mind being the leader of the club, it really would benefit her and them, she just couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure she could be in the club anymore. The feelings were all too overwhelming at this point. The woman’s hand on her skin was too much for her. She was boiling over with panic and frustration and her rage was not calming down. She clenched her fist so hard her hand went completely white and she could feel the blood seeping out of her palm from the wounds her nails left. Every inch of her brain told her to get out of there as fast as she could. She felt sick to her stomach because she knew, she knew exactly what she was feeling all along but she could never admit how she felt to anyone. She hated herself so much, she didn’t know what to do with herself anymore and it was all Maggie’s fault. God she just wanted to scream. She wanted to hate the woman so badly, with every inch of her body. She just couldn’t because she liked her too much to hate her. She was shaking, she suddenly realized the freezing feeling that settled over her body; the feeling of cold sweat on her skin made her gag.

  
“I uh- I no- I can’t.. I’m sorry I can’t be in the club anymore.” She sputtered out, ripping her hand away and bringing it up to her mouth to suppress the bile that she knew was coming up. She didn’t spare Maggie a second glance as she turned and raced away to the bathroom, which was luckily a few feet away. She pushed the door open with her free hand, letting her backpack fall to the floor as she raced into a stall. She fell to her knees and moved her hand in time for that day’s lunch to come back up and into the toilet. She continued heaving bile up for a good five minutes. Her throat was sore and she had tears streaming down her face by the time she had finished releasing all of the contents of her stomach. She let out a ragged breath and wiped her mouth before standing. As she turned she was met by Maggie Sawyer. God did this woman ever take a damn hint. Her eyes were laced with confusion and every feature of her face was laced with concern.

  
“Oh god are you alright? Here um take this,” She offered Alex a tissue to dry her eyes and clean her face before walking towards Alex’s backpack and picking it up, “follow me I’m going to take you to the nurse.” Alex wanted to protest but the gentle touch of Maggie’s hand on the small of her back made all of the anger suddenly drain out of her. She hated hormones so much, one minute it’s this and the next it’s that and she would never understand no matter how many times she tried to. She just gave in and let the concerned woman lead her to the first floor and into the nurses office. The nurse took her into the back room to examine her and take her temperature and concluded that Alex was fine and that lunch just probably didn’t agree with her. Regardless, the nurse wasn’t sending her back to class and told her she would need to rest there until it was time to go home, which was roughly an hour and a twenty minutes from then. When they exited the back room Alex was shocked to see Maggie sitting and waiting for her as class started over 10 minutes ago. Maggie stood and walked up to Alex before asking how she felt.

  
“I’m fine I just ate something bad for lunch. You should go to class it started 10 minutes ago.” Alex was too tired to even bother saying anything else to the woman. Maggie laughed a little before nodding.

  
“You’re right I should, and I will. I just wanted to stay and make sure you are okay. Feel better Alex, and please think about Chem club, I think it would be an amazing opportunity and I wouldn’t want to miss someone like you in the club. I’ll see you tomorrow hopefully, if you’re feeling well enough.” Alex nodded and with that Maggie turned and left the office heading towards the class she was notoriously always late to. Alex was brought to a small bed to rest until the day was over, and she brought her hands to her head. She didn’t know what she was going to do anymore, she had stopped denying her feelings and she couldn’t go back now, even if she hadn’t admitted it outloud. She could never go back, but she could at least stay there, where no one would ever know. It was a flawed plan, but she would do anything to keep her secret in. She flopped down on the pillow in the nurse’s office, awaiting for when she could go home and sleep off the day’s tiring events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you have any comments or suggestions as to how I can go about slowing the pace please please please let me know. Thanks for reading and stay tuned :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex continues her downward spiral until she has a breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried making this one longer than the others and probably will for the rest of the chapters. I'm really sorry if this is all over the place, I'm not the best at organizing my writing.

As the final bell of the day rang, Alex picked up her stuff and slowly bid the nurses goodbye as she made her way to her locker on the second floor. As she made her way there she ran into Winn. The boy seemed startled and confused at her presence and quickly changed directions to walk with her. “Hey where were you in chem today? Sawyer showed up like 15 minutes late to class today.” Alex smiled a little bit, remembering how the woman unnecessarily stayed after to make sure she was alright even if she risked missing the class she was supposed to be teaching. 

“Sorry Winn I was in the nurse’s office, I wasn’t feeling well. What did you guys do today?” She left out the part about Maggie panicking over her vomiting due to her overwhelming feelings toward the woman. Winn gave her a concerned glance but didn’t comment.

“We um didn’t do much, when she ran in she told us she had something important to attend to and she promised she wouldn’t be late again.” Alex’s heart skipped a beat at hearing that Maggie thought she was important. She knew it was silly as the woman would probably do the same if any of her other students threw up like she did. “She said we had a lab planned today but never had the time to set it up so we just reviewed yesterday’s homework and lesson and read some boring stuff. You didn’t miss much.” Alex was relieved that she hadn’t missed the lab, not that it would matter but she just hated missing classes and anything important. As she approached her locker she bid Winn goodbye and quickly grabbed her things before racing down the stairs and outside to her bus. She pushed her way into the bus and took her seat in the middle next to Kara. The blonde looked at her excitedly and began talking about her day as she usually did on the bus everyday. She only stopped when she noticed Alex looked overly tired and paler than usual.

“Are you alright Alex? You don’t look too well.” Kara’s face scrunched up a bit which usually signified her concern. Alex just nodded her head and thumped it against the back of the seat. She brought her hands over her eyes in frustration and out of exhaustion. Kara gave her a side hug, knowing her sister had had a rough day. “If you want to talk about it you can always talk to me.” Alex smiled a little, knowing her sister would always be there for her no matter what. 

“Thanks Kara, but I’m okay, it was just a tiring day. Anyways how was your day? What was that I heard you say about a boy?” Alex lightened her mood a little to appease Kara and watched as the girl’s features immediately changed back to excitement. She began to enthusiastically talk about a boy in her math class that keeps subtly flirting with her. She talked about how he was two years older than her and how he was super hot and amazing and she really liked him. Alex listened but couldn’t help but feel a little jealous that Kara wasn’t having any troubles like she did. Why couldn’t she just like a boy that was her own age? Why couldn’t she just be happy and not have any problems with who she liked? She was happy for Kara, but she was also scared. This guy was a junior, and she didn’t trust most guys at the school, especially one that was in a freshman class despite being a junior. It seems like he isn’t the smartest type of guy, and that usually indicates that he’s a dumb jock. Then Kara went on again gushing about her math teacher who happened to be the one and only Lena Luthor, apparently there was no math class this woman couldn’t teach. Kara would gush on and on about how beautiful and pretty Ms. Luthor was and Alex just didn't have the heart to tell her that those kind of comments about another woman would not be viewed well here. She would just quickly change the subject so people wouldn’t overhear and Kara wouldn’t be viewed as a freak and hated like all gay people were. Coming from a different planet Kara didn’t understand that it wasn’t okay to love freely here. Alex and her had talked about it just a few months ago and Kara explained that on Krypton you were free to love whoever you wanted. Alex secretly yearned for a place where she could love whoever she wanted and not get judged for it. Alex was snapped out of her thoughts as kara stopped talking and looked at her weird again.

“Are you sure you’re okay Alex?” Alex could tell that Kara already knew the answer to the question and even if Alex lied Kara would see through it. Regardless, Alex just nodded her head, not giving a verbal answer because she knew it was futile. Kara just sighed and instead of interrogating her sister, turned to look out the window for the rest of the ride. Alex felt her heart drop a little knowing she had upset her sister, but Kara reached out and grabbed her hand to attempt to make Alex feel better. The attempt made Alex smile a little and she squeezed Kara’s hand and stayed silent until it was their stop. As the bus halted and the door swung open, Alex and Kara swung their backpacks over their shoulders and filed off of the bus and made the 5 minute walk towards their house. They stayed silent the whole time but never once let go of each other’s hand. Alex slowly let go of Kara’s hand to retrieve the house key out of her backpack and used it to unlock the door. She pushed it open and walked inside, taking her shoes off next to the door. She dropped her backpack and went straight up to her and Kara’s shared room and immediately flopped down on her bed. The day had felt like an eternity and every one of her emotions exhausted her. She curled up into her pillow and fell asleep instantly, not even hearing Kara come into the room and get started on her homework. Not even Kara’s half humming half singing thing she did woke up Alex, and it ALWAYS would wake her up. Kara knew not to bother her sister as she would only ever take naps after school if she was truly exhausted or overly upset about something. She continued hum-singing and working on her homework as Alex slept not so peacefully on the other side of the room.

~~~~~~

It was 3 hours later that Alex awoke from her slumber. She hadn’t dreamt of anything and she truly felt like a corpse after waking up. It felt like had had been hit by a truck and then died and stayed dead for a few years but then came back to life. All her joints were stiff and her body ached from being in such a deep slumber. Her mouth had a sour taste and she was quite parched. She reluctantly pulled herself up from the bed and scanned the room. Kara’s backpack was in the corner and her bed was a bit messy as though someone had been sitting on it recently, but Kara was nowhere to be found. She got off of the bed and stretched out her limbs before opening the door and walking downstairs. To her surprise her family was sat at the table having dinner, which was incredibly rare. She felt a little hurt that they were all laughing and talking and enjoying their time without her. It was maybe once in two or three months that they all got to sit down and enjoy a home cooked dinner all together. As she approached the dining room her mother noticed her and her eyes lit up. “Alexandra! It’s about time you woke up, we saved a seat for you come here.” Alex winced at the use of her full name but silently took a seat at the only empty chair at the table. Her family was silent for a while sa they enjoyed their dinner, Alex however, took no food. She suddenly felt sicker at the realization that her family excluded her. Kara kept her head down as she wolfed down her dinner, damn Kryptonian metabolism. Alex’s mom timidly looked around knowing that her daughter probably wasn’t too happy they left her out of the dinner. Alex’s dad, however, didn’t understand why Alex was upset. 

“What’s wrong honey? Not hungry?” He stabbed a brussels sprout with his fork and looked at her with concern. She just shook her head and faked a smile, not letting it show that she was hurt. 

“No I had a big lunch and I’m still really full.” It was a lie and she would have felt bad about it but she was too upset with them. Her mother looked at her sadly, understanding the problem.

“Sorry we started without you honey, you just looked so peaceful and we didn’t want to wake you up.” Alex just nodded and got out of her seat, pushing it back in a little roughly as she didn’t spare her family another glance before grabbing her backpack from next to the door and bringing it upstairs to work on her homework. She didn’t bother listening to her mom’s complaint about her being rude for leaving the table. She could never do anything right in her mom’s eyes and she was slowly getting tired of being treated like that. It made her feel worthless whenever her mom refused to be proud of all of her accomplishments and instead scold her for whatever she could find wrong in a situation. Her father was a different story, Alex was always his little girl and he was always the proud father, the one who congratulated her on everything she’s accomplished. She loved her family, but they were hardly around due to their jobs, and they always had their fights like other families. It was her mother that made her feel like complete shit all the time and she sometimes resented her for it. She huffed in frustration as she forcefully ripped her books out of her bag and started working on her Calc homework. Her heart felt heavy and it hurt quite a bit and Alex just couldn;t understand why she was so utterly sad. The feelings about Maggie and the hurt her family had caused really caught up with her about halfway through her Calc homework and she felt like crying. She quickly scribbled in the rest of the answers and shut her books, shoving them all back into her backpack. She quickly grabbed some pyjamas from her dresser and raced towards the bathroom. As she whipped the door to her and Kara’s room open she collided straight into Kara who seemed just as startled as she was by the sudden force. 

“Alex are you alright? I know you’re upset about dinner but-” Alex cut her off by sliding past her and walking into the bathroom they shared. She slammed the door shut and locked it, overflowing with emotion. She dropped her clothes and turned the shower on as hot as she could. She felt itchy all over, like her skin was crawling. She quickly removed all of her clothes and got in the shower and just collapsed onto the floor of the shower. The hot water scalding her skin as the tears fell from her eyes. She curled into a ball and let the water potentially burn her skin. She couldn’t handle it anymore. Her life had been completely fine until two weeks ago when she met Maggie Sawyer and then everything fell apart. She couldn’t stand the idea of who she was anymore, she wanted it to go away, she wanted Maggie to go away, she just wanted everything to stop. It startled her by the fact that, lastly, she just wanted to die so it would all stop. She pulled on her hair and suppressed a scream as she sobbed over the pulse of the water cascading around her. Her heart was heavy and her head was aching and every inch of her was screaming. She didn’t understand how one person, one thing, one feeling can cause so much fucking pain. It was taking over her life, it was taking over her and she wanted it to go away so fucking badly. She cried and cried and cried until the scalding water turned into icy jets. She was shaking, shaking from the cold water, from crying so hard, from feeling so numb, from everything. She needed to say it, before it tore her apart inside, she just needed to say it to herself. She took a ragged breath and tired to convince herself to keep it in. She knew the minute she admitted it outloud it really became real. It would become so real and she didn’t want it to be. Before she could stop it the words slipped out of her mouth.

“I’m gay..” A part of her felt incredibly relieved that she could finally breathe, but everything else just felt overwhelmingly sad. She felt so upset and she just couldn’t stop. She wished she could just be normal, just be happy. She picked herself up, forgetting about actually showering, and turned off the water. She got out and wrapped herself in a towel and quickly wiped herself off before throwing her pyjamas on and making sure her face wasn’t too puffy. She exited the bathroom and entered her bedroom before throwing her clothes in the laundry bin and climbing into her bed to get some sleep. Despite taking a nap earlier, she felt even more exhausted than before. She pulled back her covers and slid into her bed and fell asleep instantly. What she didn’t realize was that Kara had been wide awake in her own bed using her super hearing to make sure that Alex was okay while she was in the shower. She couldn’t believe what she heard Alex say.

~~~~

The next morning was no different for Alex. She woke up feeling lifeless and hating herself. She mechanically went through her morning routine as if she was a robot, not uttering a word to anyone. She picked up on how uncharacteristically quiet Kara had been but didn’t bring any attention to it. She picked up her phone to check her messages and noticed an email from Maggie. She read through it and managed to smile slightly at how all over the place Maggie was, how she hoped Alex felt better and that if she did decide to come to the Chem club meeting after school to bring some friends of hers. Alex’s mood brightened a tiny bit, happy that her teacher went out of her way to tell Alex that she hopes she feels better. In that moment she decided that there was no harm in just checking out the club. “Hey Kara, do you want to come to the Chem club meeting with me after school? Ms. Sawyer is looking for students to join and asked me if I could maybe bring some along.” Kara seemed startled that Alex had started a conversation and quickly turned to face the girl. She didn’t want Alex to know that she was listening in to what she had admitted to herself last night as she felt like she totally invaded her privacy. Her heart hurt for Alex, knowing that her sister would never be able to be fully accepted by her parents. She spent all night wondering what, or who, made Alex realize that she was gay, but she couldn’t figure it out.

“Uh yeah sure, I can tell some of my friends to come too if you want.” She came across a little more awkwardly than she had hoped to sound. Alex just nodded her head and turned her attention back to her breakfast. Their parents had already gone to work and they would be leaving for the bus in just a few short minutes. Kara tried to think of some friends who would like to join the Chem club and couldn’t quite think of any to be honest. She settled on just asking anyone she had already made friends with. Her thoughts went back to Alex and her shocking revelation last night and she couldn’t help but be upset that Alex wouldn’t share the information with her, she knew Kara wouldn’t care, she stressed that so many times in the past. 

They cleaned up their breakfast and hurried out to the bus stop. As the bus approached they climbed on, but instead of heading to their usual seats, Kara was called over by one of her older friends to join them. She bid Alex a sorry look and took a seat next to Barry Allen who was in Alex’s grade. Alex just took the first seat she could see and slid towards the window, putting earbuds in her ear to block out the world around her. Kara turned her attention away from Alex and focused on Barry who was grinning at her. “What’s got you all smiley Barry?” Kara poked fun at the tall boy. He laughed and blushed slightly. 

“I asked Iris out on a date last night and she said yes.” Kara’s eyes lit up at the revelation and she squealed in happiness. 

“Oh my god, Barry that’s great!” She hugged her friend tightly and he groaned in response. She might have gotten a little too carried away and accidentally used her super strength to hug him. 

“Sorry Barry, I’m just so happy for you.” The two friends continued talking about little things such as projects and weekend plans as Alex slouched farther into the seat that she was the sole occupant of. She had her music blasting in her ears, waiting for the moment she would arrive at school and the moment her heart would betray her. As the bus pulled into the school she sighed heavily and cursed herself as she walked into the doors of the place that would cause her impending downfall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did feel free to leave any suggestions and comments. Thanks for reading and stay tuned :)


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